Do you ever have those moments of clarity when you realize you’re hopelessly flawed? It’s like the blue screen of death for a computer, but it’s your life. And you’ve got to drag yourself through therapy, the self-help section, or a great dive bar to get over the initial shock and reboot into repair mode.
I was that kid who cried at the end of the school year because I was going to miss my teacher over the summer. Same goes for any sort of change in regards to coaches. I loved my swim coaches. When one became pregnant and could no longer cheer my chubby little speedo’ed ass down the lane for two hours each afternoon, I was distraught. How could she leave? When my minister was reassigned to another church my freshman year of high school, I apparently wrote him a note saying I’d be in his congregation again one day. His wife recently found it and we chuckled at the sentimentality. I drive 40 miles each Sunday to be in fellowship with him.
This characteristic is mostly a good one. I’m a committed friend; I don’t just want to know how you are feeling, I want to know why you are feeling this way. I get invested easily. Ask Salty Senor — his family sweetly jokes that I’m his life coach. This is great for those who want an over-the-top friend or girlfriend, and horrific when they just want someone with a normal interest level. When I decide to give, I give everything I’ve got.
On the flip side, this leaves me raw when someone overnight decides to walk away — whether it is a best friend, a boyfriend, a family member. There are times when this has happened and I felt wronged. Anger let me easily walk the other direction too; there is simply nothing left to say.
That list is short and not so sweet.
The other — of those who I still care for but am not in communication — is much larger. These names make my head hurt and I find myself bummed out at the strangest of times.
I love to love. It stinks when it doesn’t jive. This is especially a bad combo for a self-described Type A girl who likes things just so. Then again, maybe it is better to miss those who were once in our life than to not feel anything at all.